Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Post-NakedFest 2021: Hey Newbie! You've Got Mail at NakedFest!

 By Justine Trouble (aka bio-body Brian J. Ballone - GNI Member)

Neither COVID nor rain nor heat nor lube of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds! MAIL Delivery at NakedFest....that isn't a typo. Justine Trouble made her rounds on three mornings at NakedFest delivering mail to all 144 of the newest GNI members attending camp for the very first time.

"It wasn't easy," says Justine. "I was on my bullhorn screaming 'MAIL DELIVERY!' and either no one responded or they came running out of their cabins like I was delivering a live victim for them to devour. I said MAIL, not MALE. I mean how lazy can you get with over 400 naked men wandering the camp and woods yet they thought I was bringing a MALE to them. Geez. What do I look like? I'm not an Amazon Woman." 

Each newbie received a handwritten message in a bright Hallmark card/envelope along with a personalized greeting. An example of the various messages included "Welcome to NakedFest. We are so happy to see you...all of you." or "You made it! We are thrilled that you are here with us. Welcome." Using a pharmacy label that said "For Oral Use Only" included inside the envelope was a small bag of hard penis candies that said "Suck a bag of dicks!" and it was signed "XXX Justine and The GNI Board." 

"Isn't that lovely? Wouldn't that make anyone feel that we reached out to touch them with five small edible replicas of male genitalia? We want them to know that we love them, welcome them, and hope that next year when they return for their second year that they won't realize that no one from home sent camp mail to them," said Justine Trouble. "Don't get used to this boys because this is for the newbies only! It was just the smallest of gestures to help our fresh new chickens feel welcome." 

Justine Trouble is not only the first mail carrier for GNI but this year she was also the Mother Hen of her brand new "Justine Trouble's Choke, Stroke, and/or Poke Fresh New Chicken Ranch" (Plucking Available with Consent). Her cabin was double-wide due to the fact that Scrumptious was MIA. "The least she could have done was FedEx overnight priority the salsa but if she starts to say she sent it - it probably got lost with her beehive wigs like that one year! If she cared, if she cared...we would have salsa. I tried to provide jarred salsa but I received a restraining order. That's why I threw up an "UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT" sign...because I care, I care...but probably not enough to make a new sign for camp next year." 

If you are new and have never been to The Gathering/NakedFest...come to camp and maybe you too can suck your very own bag of dicks!